Today is just like any other day, except that I have a heightened feeling of guilt (more than usual) for not being able to take care of my son and having to depend on others for my child’s care. I have battled with this feeling ever since I started work and some days I win, some days I don’t; I’ve labelled this inexplicable feeling as the working mommy’s guilt.

We all have our reasons for working and I’m guilty of questioning these reasons from time to time; do I really need to work? I’ve repetitively put myself on the spotlight with this question hoping that my answer will be a panacea to the “working mommy’s guilt” predicament. But as I’ve repeatedly tried to convince myself, I do need to work and it is for the best, there’s still no escaping the working mommy’s guilt.

So I try to remember that despite how utopian it seems to simply disembark the career ladder so I can be with my son all the time and take care of my husband better, being a stay-at-home mom has its own challenges. I can say from experience that it’s not the easiest job in the world - quite the contrary! We office workers complain about traffic on the road but I know some days, some stay-at-home moms wish they could be stuck in traffic because at least that’s time spent with just themselves.

And it’s so easy to dream about leaving work so that you can stay at home carrying out developmental activities in the hopes of turning your child into a genius, but I know that on some days some stay-at-home moms crave a break from the screaming and constant hawk-eyeing. Stay-at-home moms don’t have the easiest job, but I do believe they have the most rewarding job. But not everyone can afford to take this route and certainly not us at this point in time.

I also have to come to terms with the fact that I won’t always be there when he learns new things – and that’s okay. I don’t think it’s humanly possible for any mom to be there for their kids every minute of every single day and that is completely fine. Kids will need room to grow and if I miss some fun moments, it’s okay because I know I’ll definitely be there for the not-so-fun moments when no one else will.

Whenever I am overcome with the working mommy’s guilt, I know there must be something fanning the smoke. I need to investigate this further but I think it all boils down to the child care Hakeem receives when I am at work. Ultimately, I want Hakeem to be raised the way Hafidz and I would like him to be brought up and this includes how he is handled from day to day.

I worry all the time about what he has for lunch, if he is getting enough sleep, whether he has enough play time exploring things and reading books not just watch too much television. All of these things I wish I could control but when you’re at work you’re at a loss really. So I suppose that’s where the working mommy’s guilt comes from for me.

But like I said, I try to remember that this arrangement is for the best and things will work out. And as hard as it is, I have to try to convince myself that quitting my job (even if I do love or hate it) may not magically make all my problems and worries disappear. And anyways, alhamdulillah, so far we’ve been lucky to have great childcare providers for Hakeem. We just have to figure out a good routine soon. Can’t wait till he goes to school and meet new friends! Heehee.

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