Handling Disappointment

Following my post on guilt, Hafidz and I wanted to make sure we had one day that is errand-free and one we could spend with family, just the three of us. Alhamdulillah, Allah made it possible for our Sunday to be family day! No obligations anywhere but to each other.

So of course having two boys in the family, we had to go visit a toy shop! Heehee we went to Hua Ho Yayasan and saw some neat Lego pieces that had farm animals in it. We decided to get it for him because (a) we wanted to start a Lego collection for him, (b) it was age appropriate (1.5 years) and (c) he was ooh and aaah-ing over them in a high-pitched voice! So for a while, he was carrying that around the toy shop.

Until he saw the Mickey Mouse. The huge Mickey Mouse doll that belts out tunes when you press its tummy and costs $67. The Mickey Mouse that he saw in Hua Ho Manggis Mall last month which we had to pry off his expecting fingers then too. After seeing the Mickey Mouse, suddenly the Lego farm animals didn’t look too appealing any more.

Dragging Mickey everywhere

Dancing with Mickey

We weren’t ready to get him the Mickey Mouse that Sunday but I did intend to get it for him next month for his 18-month birthday. So, again, we had to put him through a bout of disappointment which was met by some crying that could only be calmed by major distraction tactics.

He didn’t throw a tantrum or a fit which was nice, but he was definitely disappointed as we could tell from his bad mood. He started pushing every toy away, even those he appreciated before (like the Lego!). And he was strutting around heavily looking for the Mickey which thankfully was on a higher shelf!

Sulkily having to make do with his own boring small Mickey Mouse doll that doesn’t sing! Heehee

Since he is the only child, we can’t help feeling sad for him. I wish we could spoil him with every toy that he wants but what kind of parents would we be if we did not teach him the value of money and of appreciating things? What kind of parents would we be if we did not allow him to feel any disappointment and consequently denying him the skills to overcome those disappointments? I know he’s barely only 17 months, but I believe you can never start too early when introducing these values.

After that, we didn’t even get him the Lego because he started to reject them (sulkily!) and I didn’t want to get him something he won’t appreciate. Hours later, we did get him another soft toy though when we went to Times Square! Haha. He picked it out himself and this time it wasn’t extortionately expensive! It was a choice between this and a cute monkey and cow. He chose the Snap Snap!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I have to remember to stop spoiling him with toys (and anything else really) and start instilling values now that he understands so so much more! This is just one very toned-down trip to the toy store and I’m sure there’ll be many more aggressive ones in the future.

Ultimately I have to remember that it’s okay to let him feel disappointed once in a while. And the sooner he is exposed to life’s disappointments (big and small), the sooner he’ll develop skills to overcome them and hopefully Insya Allah, this will help him with his future journey in life, ameen.

And please lah, why am I being so overly dramatic over a Mickey Mouse toy anyways? It’s not like I’m denying him food! Heehee. I think we now know who is the bigger baby between toddler and mommy – definitely MOMMY!

Working Mom’s Guilt

Today is just like any other day, except that I have a heightened feeling of guilt (more than usual) for not being able to take care of my son and having to depend on others for my child’s care. I have battled with this feeling ever since I started work and some days I win, some days I don’t; I’ve labelled this inexplicable feeling as the working mommy’s guilt.

We all have our reasons for working and I’m guilty of questioning these reasons from time to time; do I really need to work? I’ve repetitively put myself on the spotlight with this question hoping that my answer will be a panacea to the “working mommy’s guilt” predicament. But as I’ve repeatedly tried to convince myself, I do need to work and it is for the best, there’s still no escaping the working mommy’s guilt.

So I try to remember that despite how utopian it seems to simply disembark the career ladder so I can be with my son all the time and take care of my husband better, being a stay-at-home mom has its own challenges. I can say from experience that it’s not the easiest job in the world - quite the contrary! We office workers complain about traffic on the road but I know some days, some stay-at-home moms wish they could be stuck in traffic because at least that’s time spent with just themselves.

And it’s so easy to dream about leaving work so that you can stay at home carrying out developmental activities in the hopes of turning your child into a genius, but I know that on some days some stay-at-home moms crave a break from the screaming and constant hawk-eyeing. Stay-at-home moms don’t have the easiest job, but I do believe they have the most rewarding job. But not everyone can afford to take this route and certainly not us at this point in time.

I also have to come to terms with the fact that I won’t always be there when he learns new things – and that’s okay. I don’t think it’s humanly possible for any mom to be there for their kids every minute of every single day and that is completely fine. Kids will need room to grow and if I miss some fun moments, it’s okay because I know I’ll definitely be there for the not-so-fun moments when no one else will.

Whenever I am overcome with the working mommy’s guilt, I know there must be something fanning the smoke. I need to investigate this further but I think it all boils down to the child care Hakeem receives when I am at work. Ultimately, I want Hakeem to be raised the way Hafidz and I would like him to be brought up and this includes how he is handled from day to day.

I worry all the time about what he has for lunch, if he is getting enough sleep, whether he has enough play time exploring things and reading books not just watch too much television. All of these things I wish I could control but when you’re at work you’re at a loss really. So I suppose that’s where the working mommy’s guilt comes from for me.

But like I said, I try to remember that this arrangement is for the best and things will work out. And as hard as it is, I have to try to convince myself that quitting my job (even if I do love or hate it) may not magically make all my problems and worries disappear. And anyways, alhamdulillah, so far we’ve been lucky to have great childcare providers for Hakeem. We just have to figure out a good routine soon. Can’t wait till he goes to school and meet new friends! Heehee.

Mommy Brain

I came across an interesting article the other day. You know that term “mommy brain syndrome” used to refer to mommies being all over the place and forgetting everything she ever knew because of pregnancy and birth? Well, recently they’ve found something that totally crushes this popular myth.

Apparently, research have found that women’s brains literally grew after giving birth and becoming a new mother. This is because they have learnt to cope with the “steep learning curve of dealing with a newborn”. What’s more interesting is that they’ve found that mothers who gush about their babies “showed the greatest growth in key parts of the brain”. Sources can be found here and here.

How interesting is that right? I can’t tell for sure if my brain did indeed grow in the first few months of Hakeem’s birth but maybe now when someone asks me how I coped with my degree and having a baby, I can actually answer them with a more intelligent answer rather than a dull “I really don’t know.”